Relationship communication problems are very common. There are a number of ways we can look at what these basic relationship problems are all about.
One of the first things to say is it seems men are primarily responsible for the issues associated with marital and relationship problems to do with communication.
I imagine a lot of men reading the last sentence would become very defensive about that statement and think it is another example of male bashing.
On the other hand there is every chance many women reading it would identify with what is said and wholeheartedly agree with the statement.
Adele Horin, a columnist in the Sydney Morning Herald, writes about relationship communication problems. She says there is a “..shortage of men that women can relate to. The crisis in male-female conversation cries out for more attention. Relationships are being destroyed, or aborted at first date…”
She goes on “Say a woman has found a man… Before long she has detected the fatal flaw. ‘He just doesn’t listen. He won’t talk to me.’ She thinks it is an individual problem, and that a more sympathetic conversational mate can be found..But this conversational crisis is bigger than any individual. It is gender-wide. And it starts young.”
Boys imitate the modeling of other men and she says, “..boys – with exceptions of course – soon develop the minimalist style mothers, girlfriends and wives despair of.”
A male reader responded to Adele’s column in the letters page of the “Herald”. He wrote, “..The fact is women are terrible communicators.”
He added, “Women arrogantly take the stance that their way is superior, against all the evidence, and refuse to be rational, constructive and inclusive. Instead of trying to change male behavior to suit themselves – a tactic that seems to be failing – perhaps it would be better to accept their own shortcomings and work on modifying them.”
Can you imagine the relationship communication problems experienced with someone like this man. I think he is so extreme and when I first read it I thought he might have been saying all this with his tongue in his cheek, but I don’t think so. I think he is serious.
Horin asks the question about how men are like this when she says, “Who knows how these patterns are established?”
I have some idea how it has happened and I will explain this and show how it has created relationship communication problems.
There has been a widespread belief in the world that men are superior to women. This was the accepted view for thousands of years. Some think this is no longer the case, yet there is ample evidence to suggest it is still firmly in place.
It is not my intention to expand on this here, but simply to state it as a fact. I am now going to show how this has impacted males to bring about the conversational crisis.
If, as males, we see ourselves as superior, this places us on a higher level and women on a lower level. On the whole, men seem unable to feel equal to women: they must be superior or they are inferior.
It’s like a competition, it is win/lose. If I’m not in charge or on a higher level, then she will be, and I’ll be on a lower level and she’ll be in charge, and it’s not supposed to be like that.
So when it comes to relationship communication problems, it is paramount men demonstrate how the proper structure is in place. What better way of doing this than not listening or taking any notice of women.
It is like men might as well be saying, “who do you think you are, you are not on my level, I don’t have to listen to you, or acknowledge you. You don’t count anyway, so what you have to say is not important.”
When we listen to others, we are acknowledging they are on the same level, and are equally important to us.
Other aspects of this are, when it comes to feelings, if we see ourselves as being superior, it follows we are above all that. It’s okay for you inferior lot to get caught up in that rubbish, as that is the stuff of weaklings, but we are not like that.
The other matter related to this that creates relationship communication problems, is the issue of the ability to understand and share the feelings of another – in other words empathy.
Men are notorious for their lack of empathy. It is just like the listening question. Given women are inferior and therefore don’t count, why should men be concerned about how they feel, because women don’t matter.
This is the only way I have been able to make sense of these relationship communication problems. I’m sure many women can identify with my explanation, and I hope I have given men some things to think about, and how they can make changes.
